A relationship can be unhealthy or abusive even without physical violence. Many people suffer verbal and emotional abuse in secret for years,not really understanding what is happening or why they feel so rotten. Verbal abuse may not cause physical damage,but it does cause emotional pain and scarring. It can also lead to physical violence if the relationship continues on the unhealthy path it is on.
I have had the painful experience of being in a verbally abusive relationship that lasted for two months but its Joan's story that inspired this post on verbal abuse.
It is a really subtle form of abuse which may go on for years and could lead to a breakdown of the victim's psyche. In Joan's case it went on for three years and left her a broken,confused woman of twenty-two.
Constantly being criticized and told you are not good enough causes you to lose confidence and lowers your self-esteem considerably. As a result,you may start to blame yourself for your partner's abusive behaviour.
Anyways,here is Joan's story...
I met Ted as a sophomore student of the uni
versity. He was running his Masters degree in
my school and was everything any girl would
wish for and more. He was attractive__the
classic *TDH stud,very intelligent,came from
a good family and had loads of cash. Who
would not trip for such a guy? I was a naive
nineteen year old,too tall and gangly for a girl. I
had no extraordinary physical endowments by
way of Nicki Minaj's hips or Cossy Orjiakor's
boobs that my male course mates took to call
ing me*DKNY at my back.
I did not see the special physical attraction I
held for Ted that he chose to go out with me,
except true love,and love,I vowed to shower
him with in return.
We had a couple of blissful months together
after we started going out before I started to
notice a change in his attitude towards me.
He started nit-picking on the tiniest,
stupidest things,and making me feel like an
idiot. Our arguments too,seemed frequent
than before and I often had to concede to him
to avert his wrath,but that didn't seem to
appease him either. He would often blow up at
the slightest provocation and I would find my-
self cowed to submission.
Those arguments! They were over the silliest
things sometimes__what was on my phone,
a picture in a book,the amount of time I
spent talking to friends on phone,the time it
took me to pick his calls(if I didn't pick,that
was worse). So many times I felt he was a cat
and I was the mouse. Ted clung to whatever
conclusion he'd jumped in any given situation.
Imagine feeling like you had to walk on egg-
shells all the time. That was what being with
him was like. I never knew what would set him
off and no matter what I did,it was never
right or good enough or fast enough and that
just triggered more tirades.
It seemed like he enjoyed pointing out my
shortcomings and mistakes and he was con-
stantly referring to me as stupid,idiot or mo-
ron. Pretty soon I believed it. I had always been
extremely self-critical,but after a while I beg-
an to hate myself for being such an incompe-
tent fool who couldn't do anything right.
In social situations I was often the butt of his
jokes,and some of them hurt. If I got upset
he would make it look like I was the crazy one
by loudly proclaiming that he was only kidding
and that I was being too sensitive,so I taught
myself to keep my mouth shut and brush it
off whenever he said or did something that
hurt.
Countless times,I thought of ending the rela-
tionship especially on the advice of friends
who were not too pleased to watch him
treat me shabbily,but I just couldn't. Like a
demented drug addict,I clung to Ted. I just
couldn't see myself living out my days without
him. He stood for so many things in my life
and I couldn't leave our relationship that was
ruining me psychologically.
I didn't see myself amounting to much without
the help of Ted. I felt powerless,stupid and
weak to stand up to anyone. My opinions did
not count much anyway.
Pretty soon,Ted's campaign of degradation
intensified. He stopped being 'nice' about it
and started calling me a whore,slut and skettel
(patois for cheap prostitute) even in front
of his friends. His words went through me like
a hot knife through butter.
What eventually broke the camel's back was
the day one of his friends made a lewd re-
mark about me and instead of it drawing out
his ire,Ted laughed like a maniac.
I finally had it up to my neck with that event
and walked away from our three-year relation
ship. It was bad enough he treated me like
trash but passing on the baton to his friend
was all sorts of wrong. It was the exact dose
of degradation I needed to end our relation-
ship.
I can't say my life has been automatically bet-
ter off without him now,six months later be-
cause the years of verbal abuse robbed me of
my self-worth. But I can say I am slowly but
surely on my way to seeing myself in a better
light.
As for Ted,he couldn't wait for me to be fully
out of his life before he got married to ano-
ther woman,three months later. I wish them
the best of luck...
Finally,to all those out there in one form of
abusive relationship or the other,my advice to
you is to leave that relationship as soon as
possible. Get out now while you still can
because if they love you,they would not hurt
you.
The tale couldn't have been told better than from the horse's mouth itself,thus,I urge you in a verbally abusive relationship to pack your bags and leave that relationship! They don't deserve you if they can undermine your worth with their mouth. Even the Bible says out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. You cannot change them
.
I also want to make it clear that guys are not exempted from verbal abuse in relationships too, so my guy, if she doesn't appreciate what you bring to the table and sees you as a little higher than a nonentity,let her go! She is not the one for you.
And finally to verbal abusers...there is God.
FOOTNOTES:
For more info on verbal abuse,get a copy of international bestseller 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship:
How to Recognise it and How to Respond. By Patricia Evans.
To read exciting,all new episodes of 'Grafted Branches' visit www.kellychikezieblog.wordpress.com
God bless!
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